“Know thyself” — so says the ancient maxim, carved into stone at the entrance to Apollo’s temple in Greece. Interpreted by the ancient Greek philosopher Plato as meaning “to know one’s soul,” this wise saying has a resonance that persists to this day. Countless great minds have sought to illuminate the idea of the self. Ancient Hindu philosophy points us to a unique soul (Atman) which exists within an omniscient Self (Brahman); while some forms of Buddhism deny any self exists at all. French philosopher Descartes likened the self to the existence of mind — “I think therefore I am”, while in the African philosophy of “ubuntu,” our sense of self is shaped by our relationships with other people —“I am because we are.” The field of psychology has also grappled with the concept of self. Swiss psychologist Carl Jung offered a concept of self as “the totality of a person’s being and the path to greater unity of the conscious and unconscious in us.” While in the therapeutic approach known as IFS (Internal Family Systems), the concept of Self is central to the path of healing. Also known as “parts work,” a primary tenet of IFS is the recognition of the wisdom and sovereignty of The Self versus the more narrow sub-personalities or “parts,” which are fragmented and lead to disharmony. And finally, we have the great British playwright Shakespeare, who implored us “To thine own self be true.” But what does it mean to know oneself, and how does one go about being true to oneself? In this article, we’ll explore the concept of self, and how you can strengthen your sense of self to live a life in alignment with your truth. As we will explore, to do so requires connection to your deepest thoughts, feelings, values, and desires. What is a “sense of self?”As a therapist, life coach, and couples counselor who has helped many people find their own answers to life’s big questions, I know that identifying a “sense of oneself” can at times seem ambiguous and elusive. My concept of the Self is informed by the preceding contemplations and related concepts of the soul, our inner knowing and truth. Beyond labels, it is the essence of who we are— the awareness, “I am,” “I exist.” On a practical level, I conceive of the self as our guiding principles and values; that by which we determine the meaning of life and a life well lived. It is important that we give ourselves the space to discern our own truth and guiding principles from those we inherit through upbringing, experiences and cultural conditioning, and to be sure we are living life according to our core sense of ourself – our own unique and intuitive GPS. What keeps us from building a strong sense of self?We come into this world without any attributes beyond a general temperament and physical form. For practical purposes, we are assigned a name shortly after our birth, followed by other attributes, From a young age, we receive messages about who we “should” be, which are ingrained into us by often well-meaning parents, educators, and peers. As we grow, we are taught the values of our families and our communities, what is acceptable and what is frowned upon. We are provided a measure for living a successful life, as well as values around career, family and education. We may also receive religious instruction, providing concepts of a higher power and rules of morality. In many ways this indoctrination can be incredibly useful! Humans are bonding animals, and being part of a collective helps us to develop a sense of belonging. However, as we develop and grow, we may begin to question some of the values we inherited. In some cases these identities can begin to feel stifling, or may not align with what we truly want for our lives. We can also develop a self-identity based on the roles we play and our culturally prescribed ideas associated with these roles, such as mother, wife, father, husband, son, daughter, dancer, doctor, artist, etc. Our identity may even extend to an allegiance to certain sports teams or a political party, so much so that we may actually act against our deeper values to keep associated with this identity. This is not to suggest that beliefs or values we inherit from our families or communities are “bad,” and should be rejected. Rather, by becoming aware of their source, we can begin to differentiate and consciously develop a sense of self independent of their unconscious influence. It can also be challenging to develop a sense of self if we have experienced relational or other forms of trauma. Often those impacted by trauma may learn to deny their own needs or sense of self in order to stay in good standing with those in power. “Fawning,” also known as people pleasing, is now considered to be a survival response. Even within so-called “normal” relationship dynamics, such as not feeling seen or appreciated, or feeling disconnected from others; we may work hard to be what they want us to be, in hopes they will see our value and meet our need for safe connection. Unfortunately, this leaves us focusing on others’ preferences rather than tapping into our internal GPS to guide us. How does a lack of self impact relationships? In my work with both individuals and couples, I assist my clients in recognizing their unconscious beliefs about themselves, and invite them to create some psychological distance between their assumed identities in order to gain perspective. Through non- identification with the person they take themselves to be, the opportunity to mindfully and intentionally choose how they want to show up in their lives becomes available to them. This type of self-reevaluation can at times present challenges in our significant relationships. For example, when couples have been together for a long time, or entered into a relationship at a young age, one or both partners may find themselves no longer resonating with the structure of the life they have built. All that they worked so hard to achieve may no longer feel satisfying and they are left feeling empty or like strangers to themselves and each other. Often termed as a “mid-life crisis” or “growing apart,” I think this phase of life gets a bad rap. This process of reexamination presents a wonderful growth opportunity for each partner, as they seek to develop and grow as individuals and together. Naturally, this uncertainty can feel scary, but it also provides the possibility of breathing new life and energy into our relationships. Handled with care and discretion, this introspection infuses a vitality that can elicit more conscious engagement between the couple, as they rediscover themselves and each other. Conversations become more honest, more intimate, and more connected. For individuals, a lack of connection with their sense of self can create anxiety about whether they are living up to the expectations they had for themselves, or others had for them. An “identity crisis” occurs when what we believed to be true about ourselves no longer fits. But rather than a crisis, it can be looked at as an invitation for personal evolution. By exploring their values without judgment or assumptions, I help my client gain perspective, so they can determine for themselves what defines them and what feels most aligned with their truth. 10 tips for developing a stronger sense of self Here are my tips if you want to form a stronger connection with your deeper self: 1. The first step is always awareness. I once heard it said, “awareness is the workbench of the mind.” I would add that awareness is also the workbench of transformation and change. 2. Practice mindfulness. One of the best definitions of mindfulness comes from Jon Kabat-Zinn — “Paying attention, on purpose, to what appears in your mind, without judgment.” This last piece is so important! If we judge what we observe we lose our ability to see clearly from an open state of equanimity. 3. All of this leads to the development of the “witnessing self,” also termed the “observing self” in many forms of meditative practices as well as in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, an evidence based form of therapy whose principles I often draw from. 4. Become curious about the nature of your thoughts. What is their content, what is their source? Investigate your values and belief systems. Ask yourself, “how did I come to believe what I believe about life and myself”? 5. What are your motivations; your personal operating principles? On what did you base your choice of career, your partner, your lifestyle? Do these still resonate with you? 6. Give yourself the freedom to experiment and try things that you may be curious about, like a new hobby or re-engaging in an old interest. 7. Unplug! Take a break from social media, television and the news. Journaling is also a great way to “know thyself.” Simply writing your thoughts gives you an opportunity to understand yourself more deeply. 8. Intentionally spend time alone, perhaps take a solo trip to become acquainted with your preferences, allowing yourself to follow your own lead and enjoy our own company. 9. Spend time in nature. Being in nature provides a stillness that allows us to ground into the simplicity of our being, without all of the associations of our busy, modern lives. 10. I also suggest paying close attention whenever you hear an inner voice of “should.” Investigate this. Are you doing something out of a sense of detached obligation or resentful compliance? If so, how can you create more alignment and accountability for your choices? So much of our sense of self has to do with this last piece; consciously engaging and choosing to be where we are. Even if things aren’t exactly how we may have imagined, we benefit from taking ownership of our choices and self agency. Acknowledge that whatever your life circumstances, you made the best decisions based on what you knew at the time. Recognize the choice that exists in every moment, and commit to following your path intentionally. Ultimately, our sense of self continues to evolve as we grow and move through different stages of our lives. This is the nature of life, it changes and evolves. Remaining present to our experience of the moment is what keeps life flowing through us. Then the question becomes, what in us doesn’t change? What in us is constant through all of our many iterations? That is the question of the sages and ages; a question that will bring us even closer to a sense of our Self. Support for a stronger relationship with you I hope you found these tips on strengthening your sense of self helpful. Getting to know yourself more deeply is a life-expanding experience and the start of so much personal growth. I’m happy that you’re here. And if you would like my support as you explore your identity, values, and your sense of self, I invite you to schedule a free consultation!
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“I Could Be Wrong…but…”
As a marriage and family therapist, a recent buzzword in the field of psychology caught my attention: Intellectual Humility (IH). I was intrigued because humility is commonly thought to be a quality associated with emotional intelligence. Humility is an endearing quality, humble people tend to be agreeable and easy to be around. So what does intellectual humility mean, and how might we use it to improve our relationships? Author Shane Snow describes intellectual humility as “being open and able to change your mind about important things, and being able to discern when you should.” The emphasis on discerning when we should change our mind is an important nuance. Intellectual humility is not simply being open to new ideas; rather, it is actively considering the validity of opinions and beliefs that differ from our own and—here’s the rub—being willing to change our view. Perhaps you and your spouse have disagreements about parenting, or your children are challenging the values you are trying to instill in them. Maybe you have a friend or family member who holds different political views than your own. Given the current state of the union, being willing to consider views different from our own is essential if we are to engage in meaningful conversations (even if they’re difficult conversations) and find win/win solutions to the challenges we face. Intellectual Humility in Intimate Relationships "Our perception could either be our path to nirvana or an invisible cage that bottles us up." Pawan Mishra In my work as a marriage and family therapist, one of the main complaints I hear from couples is their inability to communicate effectively. Desperate to be able to connect with each other, they find themselves falling into a repetitive cycle of big blow ups as well as frequent petty bickering, as each partner is unable to let go of anger from previous arguments. Often, each partner feels misunderstood and resentful, which makes it practically impossible to see eye to eye, never mind resolve their differences. Empathy––the key to connection and communication––begins to fade. Over time, this pattern of negative communication can erode the relationship to a point where they no longer feel a connection, at times barely recognizing even a friendship. One of the most important building blocks for restoring connection and improving emotional intelligence is for partners to begin to consider things from each other’s point of view. Often, when embroiled in an argument, each person is so busy defending themselves and expressing their anger as opposed to their primary emotion that they do not actually hear the other. Each thinks they have the “correct” view of the problem and are certain they know the solution, which is usually what their partner needs to do differently. In other words, how they are right; and their partner wrong. The distortion that can come from our biases is nicely illustrated in the Buddist parable known as “the rope in the road.” The story goes something like this: A man walks along a path at night. In the darkness, he sees something long and thin coiled in the road ahead. Believing it to be a poisonous snake he runs in the opposite direction, delaying his travels. The next morning, the man summons the courage to start again. In the light of day, he sees that what he thought was a snake was actually a rope. In this moment, he realizes that in the darkness, he could not see clearly, and allowed his fear to cause him to imagine the worst. When we are locked into our own viewpoint, we are seeing the rope as a snake. We become guarded, defensive, and—in a process known as confirmation bias – seek evidence that supports our view. When immersed in conflict, this bias leads couples to assume the worst about their partner and make negative conclusions about the motives behind their behavior. They continue to build their case against each other, and as a result, the relationship continues to deteriorate. Back to the parable for a moment. What if the traveler, upon recognizing that it was a rope and not a snake in the road, remained hesitant to trust his eyes, in spite of his new understanding? He may have abandoned his journey out of fear, and perhaps never reached his destination. In a similar manner, continued misunderstandings can keep couples traveling down the wrong path—away from, rather than toward each other, and keep them from reaching their desired destination of harmony and connection. This is where a coach or therapist can help, by offering strategies that allow couples to actually hear each other, perhaps for the first time, and to consider possible alternatives to their perceptions of problems. By learning to clearly communicate what they need from each other, they can repair misunderstandings and reconnect. Communicating with Intellectual Humility "It is not what the ego says, it is how much it is believed." Mooji An exercise I often conduct with my clients is the Imago Dialogue. Partners take turns sharing their thoughts and feelings about any given topic. While one partner is sharing, the other’s job is to listen to what is being said, and simply reflect back on what they are hearing; checking in with their partner to see if they are understanding them correctly and completely. Many couples find this exercise difficult, because this process highlights how they are usually not hearing each other, but rather thinking of how to defend themselves. With this exercise, they are asked to actually listen, become curious, and validate not their own, but their partner’s perspective. This exercise fits nicely within the intellectual humility framework, in that couples are asked to suspend their own opinions or deeply held biases, and become willing to put themselves in each other’s shoes—feel what they feel, see what they see—and how things make sense from each other’s perspective. IH principles also align well with the work of renowned marriage researchers Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman, who provide evidence-based strategies for inviting compromise and improving relationship satisfaction. In the exercise known as “yield to win,” each partner finds ways to compromise on behalf of the relationship, rather than pursuing their own need to be right. The Gottmans caution that if one partner is winning an argument, the relationship is most likely losing. By yielding to win, each partner is victorious, because the relationship is championed. Do You Want to Be Right or Do You Want to Be Happy?" "Keeping an open mind is a virtue, but… not so open that your brains fall out." Carl Sagan Intellectual humility does not ask that we roll over and let someone else’s opinion or beliefs supersede our own, or forfeit our ability to think for ourselves. Our ego serves a purpose—it is the self with which we relate to the world, and our beliefs serve as a roadmap to living our lives according to our values. These core values should not be abandoned simply to make peace. Rather, it is when we become so attached to our beliefs, opinions, and self-image that we become inflexible and unable to meet life with spontaneity and curiosity. We may become “set in our ways,” which can make it difficult for us to engage with others or find a compromise. Intellectual humility encourages us to recognize when to put our opinions and beliefs aside, and open our hearts to new ways of thinking and relating to others. Rather than tightening up in defensiveness, we are asked to open our hearts to each other, and the vulnerability we may feel, to create peace, love, and empathy. But why is this so hard to do? Our discomfort with being wrong is grounded in our survival instinct and is at the core of our ego-identity. Think of it as our internal GPS—we want to think our radar is accurate. Often, we identify so much with our opinions and beliefs that they seem to represent “who we are.” To consider that we are wrong means to acknowledge that we have a blind spot, which can lead us to feel k and unsure of ourselves. From this perspective, it makes sense that ideas that challenge our beliefs could feel like a challenge to our very sense of self. Now, I know what you may be thinking: What if, in fact, I am right? What if we practice intellectual humility, consider others’ thoughts and perspectives, but in the end analysis—we still consider our own views superior? The good news is that by opening our hearts and minds, by listening and sincerely considering the value of another’s perspective, we will have created a more collaborative and harmonious environment, in which conflicts are more easily overcome, and connection can thrive. Particularly with our loved ones, isn’t this the very definition of winning? 10 Ways to Practice Intellectual Humility in Your RelationshipsHere are some practical ideas on how to incorporate intellectual humility into your day-to-day relationships and interactions:
If you are interested in learning more about Intellectual Humility, I recommend Shane Snow’s comprehensive report Intellectual Humility: The Ultimate Guide To This Timeless Virtue where you can also find a self-assessment to measure your current intellectual humility and the interactive app Open Mind, which guides the user through steps to engage more constructively across differences. ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED in 2020 during the Covid Crisis for Growing Self
Unprecedented: Crisis.This word captures the magnitude of the impact of the COVID19 health crisis has had on every area of our lives. The impact is both intensely personal and at the same time being experienced by our entire global human community. For many of us, worries about the immediate and long-term future have reached a tipping point, with fear of the unknown threatening to overwhelm our ability to manage it. For those who have previously struggled with anxiety and depression, the sense of overwhelm is compounded. Unprecedented: Fear, Anxiety, and Uncertainty. Having unlimited amounts of time socially isolated, without our usual routines has been unsettling. Economic uncertainty is a threat to our livelihood. Our instinctive response to a threat is to become hyper-vigilant; a stress-based state of readiness. Many of us have taken heed of the safety precautions necessary to stay safe while out in the world, such as wearing face masks, social distancing, and washing our hands. However, this constant physiological state of stress is counterproductive to maintaining a strong immune system. Studies have shown that stress impacts our immune system negatively, due to the release of stress hormones which take a toll on our bodies. In order to truly maintain our health, we are encouraged to look within; to learn more about how to create wellness in our inner world—our true selves. Unprecedented: Opportunity. As uncomfortable and disrupting as it is, this crisis has presented us with an unprecedented opportunity to slow down, and to connect with our selves in a way that may not have been possible while we were engaged in our busy daily lives. We have an opportunity to become mindful – to consider where we are, how we got here—and if desired— make adjustments or start over. Research over the past several decades validates both the short and long term benefits of mindfulness in shoring up our immune system. As you learn to regulate your emotions and develop mindfulness, you will also be providing a boost to your immune system. Radical Acceptance and Mindfulness are two practices that can be cultivated to reduce stress to our immune systems and ground our selves in a more beneficial psychological mindset—offering an unparalleled opportunity for development of personal stability. Simply understood, radical acceptance means we acknowledge that things are “as they are.” This is a first step, not the end game. It is simply an acknowledgment of the reality of what has happened or what is currently happening, both outside and inside of us. Radical Acceptance Let me emphasize: Radical acceptance is not the same as “agreeing with” or passively allowing unacceptable situations or behaviors from others. It simply means you fully face reality “as it is” so you can see clearly without distortions and take appropriate action as necessary. Once we accept reality as it is, we can then consider if and how we’d like to change it. Rather than judging what is happening, and spending energy on objecting and telling stories about it; we acknowledge “OK, this is happening.” Then we ask, “Now, how do I want to handle it?” How does this help us? Objecting to reality actually intensifies our emotional reaction and clouds our ability to think clearly and make the best decisions. Caveat: Developing Radical Acceptance is not necessarily easy. Change rarely is. Adapting our patterns of behavior requires focused attention and effort, but it is within our control and the benefits are immediately realized. Consider the following scenario, which demonstrates two approaches to a circumstance: Let’s imagine a typical situation befalls two women; I’ll call them Maggie and Sarah. They get into a traffic accident while driving on the highway. After the initial shock, Maggie becomes angry because she believes the accident was caused by Sarah’s error. This causes her to get out of her car and confront Sarah, putting herself in danger. She then calls her husband and spends time and energy retelling what happened and defending herself – forgetting that she needs to call the insurance company to report the accident. Maggie is stuck in a mental loop. Maggie is adding suffering to what is an unfortunate circumstance. She also misses the opportunity to feel gratitude for the fact that she was not harmed. She is making a bad situation worse by objecting to the reality of the situation. However, Sarah is more mindful. Rather than objecting to reality, Sarah moves more quickly from shock to accepting what is — which is that she has been in an accident. She doesn’t focus on whose fault it was; she knows insurance will handle that. Instead, she focuses on the here and now, and is grateful that both she and the other driver appear to be unharmed. Because she is less emotional, Sarah can see things from a wider perspective. She was shaken from the accident but remains in control of her emotions, she is not rejecting or judging reality. When Maggie approaches her, she remains in her car and keeps her cool. She avoids a potentially heated exchange. She has the where-with-all to call her insurance company and the police from the safety of her car. This example illustrates in a simple way how radical acceptance allows us to face reality as it is, and make the best decisions we can. Neither woman was able to change the reality of the situation. They were both in a car accident. However, the event was much more draining for Maggie, and impacted her well being more negatively. This is an example of how radical acceptance can help us to reduce our suffering. Radical acceptance is well expressed in this well-known excerpt from The Serenity Prayer (Reinhold Niebuhr, 1892-1971) God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Applying Radical Acceptance to the Moment If there is one thing this global pandemic has made abundantly clear, it is that no matter how well we plan (and yes we should plan) there are many things out of our immediate control. In light of this fact, we can use radical acceptance to discern what it is we do have control over within our circumstances, and how to make best use of our energy toward the well being of others and our selves. Here are some practical tips for how to apply radical acceptance to the moment: Ground yourself in the present moment. – Often, much of our anxiety is based on fear of the future. When anxiety threatens to overwhelm you, try focusing your attention on what is coming through your 5 senses: What do you see, what do you hear, what are you feeling in your body, do you have a taste in your mouth, can you smell anything. Breathe into these sensations. Doing this for one or two minutes will significantly reduce your anxiety and allow you to solve problems with more clarity. Move your body – Check in with how your body feels; do you feel tightness in your chest? Is your breathing rapid, or shallow? Do you feel tension in your neck? Once you have determined that these bodily sensations are not related to sickness, try stretching, going for a walk nearby, or put on some music and dance around the living room, joy in movement is a great stress reliever! Limit media exposure of the news – While it is important to stay aware of the most recent updates, try to limit your intake to that which is actionable, and will actually make a difference to your day-to-day functioning. Once you have the information you need, turn off the news, and seek other forms of relaxation and entertainment. Perhaps finally binge-watching that TV show you have never had time for, or maybe find a good comedy special. Laughter is the best medicine! Develop mindfulness – Mindfulness means paying attention to what is happening inside of you and outside of you, in the present moment, without judgment. Mindfulness is not necessarily quieting your mind, although that may happen as you cultivate this practice. Rather, mindfulness lets us widen our view of any given moment, so that we see ourselves within what is happening. This small shift in perception can help us avoid getting absorbed in thought and anxiety. It’s like putting a wedge between you and your thoughts and emotions, which allows you to realize that you are NOT your thoughts or emotions. With practice, you come to see that your awareness is constant, it is the thoughts and emotions that come and go. This space is where the magic happens and where freedom from the grip of anxiety may be possible. The ground we gain by tending to our internal experience will serve us both now and all the days of our lives. In a life full of uncertainty and the inevitability of change, the ability to ground and regulate ourselves in our Self is an opportunity to become familiar with a truly constant and stable place. Developing these mindfulness practices requires practice. Working with a life coach or individual therapist can help facilitate the development of these skills. The best part is, when we are better able to cope our selves, we help others we are in contact with to become more grounded as well |
AuthorI have always found that writing helps me to see what moves me, and what keeps me stuck. Sometimes you just have to get it out of your mind to process more clearly. I offer these posts to provoke your own ponderings and understanding. Archives
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